The Left Column

Politics for Poets

Stand by Your Man

The hard part about loving people is when their flaws surface and you see them with eggregious flaws. Greed? Lust? Are these from a similar flaw of character? We are presented a place where gold is and presented a shovel and we are supposed to push it away from ourselves.

Relationships are important and yet they are often our downfall. We've got this special relationship called marriage. What we notice is that sometimes it seems to work and other times things go horribly wrong.

Bad things that people do should not be fronted to the press for vengeance. I see that as a comparable flaw to infidelity. You loved this person. He is a dog and has other lovers. You kinda knew this when you met him. People always told you these things. He feels safe with you. He's a dog. You loved him. He's cheated on you so now you want vengeance. So you destroy him in the press? Is that the right thing to do? Seems like base behavior too, another form of being unfaithful.

And yet there is the trend to say that infidelity is a deal breaker for a marriage. Get the marriage annulled so you can still pretend to be a good catholic? Seems a little hypocritical.

In any case I don't want to believe that any of this is true. Dear, sweat woman could have a great sense of forgiveness. She could go off to another estate and make her home elsewhere and make her success thrive through forgiveness. Remember forgiveness doesn't mean that you allow the bad behavior to continue. However it doesn't double-down the damage by outting a public persona as being a two-timing rat.

Let the husband go and sleep in the pines. He's a damaged guy in one sense, but in another sense totally logical, and very much a guy's guy. And he's got a bigger family than you thought he did. Your kids now have another brother (and maybe more) than you knew about. Can this be a plus? Surely in a political family having diverse backgrounds of the members ads to the allure and mystique of the family. If you think like that.

Classy women are still subject to the heart-ripping effects of infidelity. Even if they were paying attention to the common roar of literature on the subject, they would say "no. No. My guy isn't like that. We don't cheat." Believe it or not some people believe that marital fidelity is a primary and necessary quality in a spouse, their spouse. Let other men be dogs but theirs is on a leash and he doesn't get out. And clearly there is a very large percentage of marriages where this is the rule. But also there are people who stay married for the sake of the children and don't let details like "brother from another mother." become very public and destroy the family life. Another brother sounds like a form of blessing mostly. Surly it isn't this kids fault that his father acts like a dog and father's many off-spring?

And yet we see that these kinds of relationships are often the way that people end up in their starlight years. They've got a special other and they do the domestic thing with that person. It would be hard to do this with someone who you know is going out and finding strange and bringing them into your own bed. Who would want this as a partner? Maybe a friend.

Is infidelity a mortal sin? I have not researched this topic. Being a marriage skeptic myself (for me), because I notice how hard it is for other people, I do understand that the inability to commit was, itself due to flaws within my own character which I long ago owned up to in myself. And yet I understand the stronger urge towards one who is clearly better than the rest and more suited for me to have as a life-time concern and with an over-whelming need to often be in touch (and try to not have it be an obsession). Nice thing to have if you really do and I applaud those who do. It doesn't have to be marriage. It doesn't have to be anything more than the occasional weekend together. It doesn't have to be now.

Here is where we get to the political part of all of this. Is infidelity like what we have heard about recently a reason for someone to not be a choice for public office? All sins of the flesh and sins of vengeance aside, the important thing is that the love go on. So now the public and be out of it and their family can learn about a new sibling. That is the story that I would write. And I'd write all of the hurt out of the story. You're too important as a political icon to let yourself display these behaviors of vengeance in a public way. Leave drama for the stage.

And now does this set up the sad wife as the next political sensation for her state? Will she run for governor?

Some say that the political forces try to control 'bad press.' There is a type of journalism that tries to tear-down in a hateful way. That kind of journalism is not specifically designed to harm people and families, however the effect of a piece written with hate is always somehow damaging to someone. And the effect of words about infidelity of public people is certainly news. Especially news: the reactions of public people to these startling revelations about their spouses. We wish it wasn't news. We pray that these beleaguered will have strength. We pray that the worst things we have read are not true. The worst is the idea that there is revenge involved. Revenge is not elegant behavior for a public and political person. My guess is that if revenge is what we have witnessed we consider that we forgive that sin too. And all the sooner that than the infidelity is, it seems to me, what a lot of people feel about it. But I say it again: "Stand by your man." He is still the father of your children. Mostly he is the same person who he was before. You just didn't know him as much as you thought you did. Or he's still not over problems that were probably apparent in him when you first met him to even casual observers (being a man-on-the-hunt).

Vengence is infidelity for a Christian marriage because the forgiveness of the sin of extra-marital affairs must occur. The marriage might not go on, but the forgivness must. And when one displays vengence one is doubling down the hurt. It helps no one. It is ultimatly an aggressive action. This act must, too, be forgiven. And the writing of this piece must be forgiven. And the whole world must be forgiven.

Most people love dogs. They love them and they protect them. But they house train them if they let them in the house. And they certainly don't breed them whilly nilly. People are not really ever dogs, even when they cheat on their spouses. They might behave like dogs. There might be bad consequences that make for hard and akward moments. But ultimatly we all stay human. And it is our behavior that makes us so. Look for the plus in difficulty.

Perfect marriage is an ideal. It is rare. There are always problems and troubles. For the people who this works for, marriage is clearly very good for them. They do well to be married and stay that way.

Life goes on.

As we forgive those . . .

~ OK Now.

May 28, 2011

The Susquahanna River, Pennsylvania from
last fall.


  If she was bothered by the wind
  she didn't let on about it.
    I listen to her drone on for a long hour
      then another. Then another.

  When you sign up for these things
    you never know what you're getting yourself into.
  And I've never enjoyed the company
    of chatty female strangers
      without their men
      no matter how pretty they are.
      
  But if she were silent.
     She'd direct her silence against the
      bare soul cliff-face heart ache
    masking itself as bubbles and sun-bows
     
     did I see
      unicorns dancing in the bulevard?
    20,000 kids drinking for the day?
     who's that naked?
    I'm not printing that picture here.

  finally when she batted me on the arm
    I let into her, really let her know what I think.
   There's all of us here.
   We've all had to wait all day to get this far.
   And no one else
    wants to hear 
    anymore from her
 so why doesn't she just
     shut up.

  I don't like to 
    loose my cool
   in front of strangers
  and possible mystic
   fellow travelers
  out over the storm
  with rough weather
  and silent thoughts
   of the holy dead.